Hi there...It's been awhile. Um let me see, like almost a year since my last post... I know, so sorry blog! So many things have happened in a year--the bad, the good and the very, very bad one but today is a new day. A new beginning. New mindset. New focus. New start. New intentions. New results. 

Speaking of new beginnings, as you can see my blog has had a major facelift and did some few changes! My blog need some lovin! I'm so excited, like having another baby excited! Thank you pipdig! 

Why Mrs. James? Well, after a long vacation from blogging, I finally decided that It's time to no longer write about a certain topic or in a certain style but instead to focus on sharing who I am. I am Mrs. James after all. Sounds cheesy but it's been a really hard year for me. I said to myself, you know what, Life is short and say what you wanna say especially to the people you love! Give more hugs, say I love yous all the freakin time, tell someone they're beautiful or doing a great job. While I usually do that, I'm going to do it more and never stop being me despite everything... I was at the top of the world one moment and the next minute my world just crumbled. I lost my Papa in April from lung cancer...While other people take grieving and loss differently, I'm the type of person who really feels all the emotions, the pain, the anger. I could just curl up with my doggies on the sofa for days, stuffed my face with food, sing karaoke, watch korean novelas and cry the whole time. I've never felt so much pain, so powerless, aimless in my whole life. I knew my Papa didn't have much time left, we were trying to accept it and really prepared ourselves for the worse but you can never be ready...The bad thing is I live in the UK and they're at my home country-- The Philippines which is thousands and thousands of miles away. 

 So after the new year, I decided to go home and left my job at MAC to be with my family. It was the first time I've seen my Papa looking really skinny, on a wheelchair and so weak but still the same smilling, joker happy-go-lucky Papa. You see my Papa is a police officer: tall, big muscles, really strong guy. He was a retired chief of police back home and to see him that way, really crushed my heart...I'm a big daddy's girl and come from a really close family. So it's really hard especially the fact that they have hidden it from me for months that Dad is sick because they don't want me to worry about them...But I had to put up a brave face because it would really break his heart if I start sobbing. I was lucky I have my husband with me, my mom...They have been my rock the whole time... 

He was at the hospital for months (it was horrible there, hate hospitals) and was glad that we get to take him home before I left... He was doing really great, eating so much better, putting on weight and stuff... He get to spend time with all of us, his family. I didn't want to go home but my husband is working so we had to go... I made sure before I leave he's at home and getting stronger... Saying goodbye was always painful, I didn't even looked at my Dad's eyes when I hugged him goodbye and said that I love him... I was really hopeful I could see him again this christmas... I wish I could have given him more longer hugs and kisses if I had known it was the last time I see him...

Then few months after, I had that dreaded call from my son saying Dad passed away. I couldn't believe it at first. I didn't wanna believe it. My husband booked flights home straight away. This time I was alone as my husband can't get time off work anymore.

When I arrived at the airport, no sleep at all (15 hour flight) went straight away to my Dad's wake...Seeing him in there sleeping so peacefully in a beautiful white casket, still can't believe he's gone...We gave him a really nice send off. It was such a beautiful one, sun was shinning, i'm with my whole family, I was so  overwhelmed by the number of people who came and said their goodbyes...My Dad has always been a fighter, he had fought a good fight, finished the race and kept his faith. He is truly my hero. It's been just 5 months since he died, but felt like it was just yesterday...

I was emotionally unmoored, adrift in the wreckage of lost love, lost life, and my own shattered identity. 

Slowly, a new self emerged, one that felt and claimed the status of grown-up. 
What I have learned from my friends is that a single death can transform your life, especially if the death is that of your mother or father. And it doesn't matter whether that parent was beloved or resented, whether the relationship was close or distant, warm or cold, harmonious or hotly conflictual. It doesn't even matter how old you are, or how old your parent was at the time of death. For most people, the death of a parent, particularly when the parent is of the same sex, is life altering...

Losing my Dad, really messed me up emotionally but it also did put everything into perspective. What's more important in Life to me... My Dad was my biggest cheerleader and I will make sure to make him proud with whatever I'm going to do...

Sorry I got a little carried away there...This may sound like a sad post but trust me it's a positive one. If you are dealing with loss right now or in a bad situation where everything seems to not work at all, know that IT WILL BE OK. It may not be as ok as before but it will be ok. When Life gives you a hundred  reasons to cry, you need to show Life a thousand reasons to smile...Don't give up hope and just be positive. Consider becoming the type of energy that no matter where you go, or where you are, you always add value to the spaces and lives those around you...That's what my Dad's Life taught me. He may not be around anymore but his memories will surely never be forgotten...

If you have any thoughts and advice about dealing with loss or just wanna say hello, just drop me a line! And yes I'M BACK! Hope you lovelies have gorgeous weekends!


  1. It was so moving to read your post! You are such a beautiful soul and it hurts to read and feel the pain you are still feeling :'( But it is so inspiring that you are able to find the positives in life <3 so happy to see your blog up again!! Elisa xoxo

  2. Ahh Elisa my love thank you for dropping by!😘 It's quite hard but I had to make a choice whether I should continue being so sorry for myself, putting on so much weight , completely shut myself out from the world and feeling guilty whenever I'm feeling happy again OR carry my big ass and do something what my Dad would want me to do. He would feel sad if he see me the way I am right now. I can really hear him saying "love you've put on so much weight have you been eating too much shit again?lol! I know it takes time indeed...I'm really happy I have this space where I'm able to have creative fulfilment , I know it helps me out. Art and Music has always been my saviour during my darkest moments!I wish we live near Elisa and we could do photo shoots together!You wear your creations , I do your makeup and take the photos haha!xx



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